Written by Gary Potter
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Friday, 8 April 2011

image for Religious book burning sparks riot
A book. But not on fire.

A riot today broke out in the canteen of Oxshirebridge University, as news filtered through that a student capable of thinking for himself, had burnt a copy of the 'Origin of Species', the Holy book of the evolutionist cult.

As many as three cream teas were hurled across the hallowed halls.

Following outrages of other Holy books being burnt throughout the world, this one is also likely to have dire repercussions.

When police finally apprehended the student after a 2-second stand-off, the student came quietly with no trouble whatsoever.

Speaking to me, who just so happened to be passing by, he was heard to say "I had been told to read this as part of the curriculum, but I came here to study real observable science, not impossible speculative drivel. I burnt the copy partly in protest to its absurd contents, partly down to its racist undertone and also to ensure that the copy didn't get into a vulnerable unthinking persons hands."

'On the Origin of species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of FAVOURED RACES in the Struggle for Life' as it was originally fully titled in 1859, was written by theologian Charles Darwin.

According to made up documents unearthed recently, he wrote the book for a wager, to see how many people would fall for his impossible joke and to see how willing people would be to abandon their common sense, and faith in a creator God. Unfortunately, the joke went too far, but the daft members of the establishment had already embraced the myth and had abandoned religious constraints, and so, could not about turn without looking foolish. Darwin had littered clues in his tome that it was a load of old hooey, pointing out that the complexity of the eyeball all but rule out chance occurrence, and that the evidence in the fossil record alone refuted his theory, but the keen evolutionists simply put their fingers in their ears if scientific facts got in the way.

Evolution fundamentalist Dawkin Richards was outraged. Author of such works as 'The Self Importance Delusion', Richards is also president of the Freethinkers society. The Freethinkers society is for people who need to join a society to enable them to think for themselves, as long as it in no way includes religion, or anything even remotely anti-evolution. Believers in the paranormal and mythical creatures are rooted out, unless the mythical creatures happen to be the fabled missing 'common ancestors' which of course, of neccessity, must be real. In fact, you have to think exactly like Mr Richards. "I am outraged. The student must be an idiot to think that evolution is merely an unproven theory. Evolution is a fact, and maybe if we repeat this mantra enough times, the stupid public will believe us without question. Many have swallowed it already. As a freethinker I think he should be re-educated, until he freethinks my way." He then stormed out of the room, clipping a theology student around the ear.

Children's TV scientist, Tommy 'think of a number' Ball was asked to comment "Well this is a common problem. Kids write into the show wanting to know how a frog turns into a monkey, and we have no way of showing them without making some fairy story up that they will never believe in a month of Sundays. One minute we are teaching them of the marvellous DNA molecule which perfectly replicates itself billions of times over, its accuracy enables its use to catch criminals, then in the next breath we say that it isn't true and that DNA mistakes can turn bananas into people. Utter horse apples."

A manic Dawkin Richards, in a statement on his Freethinkers website later fumed "We must take to the streets. We must root out these parasites that do not believe in me or our dogma and we must exterminate them. People should be free to think however they like, but I will not accept those that entertain religious beliefs. Let's not forget that I am the most tolerant of all people, except to those who aren't atheists and who refuse to believe that a turnip will inevitably turn into a human being if given enough time. I am right damnit. They will yield to my taunting." He was last seen heading to his study, eager to start work on his next vitriolic diatribe.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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