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Thursday, 7 April 2011

image for Japanese Fish Cure Cancer.
Japan's annual Sakana ya inkei (Frien Fish and Penis) festival has been cancelled.

In the wake of the latest of Japan's daily earthquake --which on Thursday hit 7.2 on the Richter Scale-- the country's decimated fish industry has been granted new life, now that it has been discovered that Japan's irradiated fish actually cure cancer.

"We discovered this interestingly phenomenon in our cancer ward in the Bronx," said Dr. Elizah "Doc" Martens, Montefiore Medical Center's Director of Incurable Patients. "And it's a blessing."

Montefiore switched to feeding it's terminal patients fish from the Fukushima Daiichi region, where radiation levels in the waters are 45,000 times higher than safe.

"They are incredibly cheap on the open market," said Martens, who authorized the lethal purchase. "I mean, these people are already near-death anyway. What is a little radiation going to hurt?"

After only a few days eating the tainted fish, patients with terminal mouth, esophageal and stomach cancers showed marked improvement. Maters attributed this to the glow-in-the-dark Groupers, and has begun prescribing the fish as treatment.

"We pay $8.00 per metric ton for these fish, and now Blue Cross is paying us $850.00 per two ounce filet, because it's 'medicine'," cackled Martens. "Tomorrow we begin jamming radioactive shrimp up the ass of prostate-cancer patients. What a f--king scam!!"

Japanese officials believe that they have enough f--ked-up seafood to treat cancer patients and power x-ray machines to sell worldwide for years, creating a new industry in the wake of the national tragedy now known as 'Kami wa Nippon ya nipponjin o kiratte', or 'Payback for Pearl Harbor.'

"It is said that there is a silver lining in every black cloud," commented Rarry Ring, Japan's oldest living talk-show host. "If you live in Northern Japan, your black cloud's silver lining is melting the flesh off of your children's bones, killing your farms and fisheries, and has a half-life of 43,000 years. Mazel Tov."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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