Written by Inhopeless
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Topics: Food, Murder, Shopping, KFC

Sunday, 3 April 2011

image for Man Becomes Homicidal Maniac After Saying He'd 'Kill for Decent Burger'
It Would Have Been Worse If He Had This

BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - A local Birmingham man has taken his pact to the extreme, as 52 people are dead and scores more are injured.

Josh Coe, 21, had said he would 'kill for a decent burger', and after chancing upon a KFC restaurant he found a Zinger burger witnesses say he described as 'the best ever'.

His friends remember the moment he turned violent.

"He was enjoying the food," recalled John Hunt, "then I jokingly said, 'which one of us will you kill?'. He had this... glare in his eyes. He grabbed his knife and stabbed Ted in the chest. Twice. We looked on in horror."

He would then proceed to rip a fire extinguisher from its wall bracket, and smash KFC employees around the head. He then managed to attack five other patrons in the building, before entering the Bullring - the biggest shopping centre outside of London.

Security footage shows him entering Debenhams, and brutally murdering a woman with her own high heeled footwear. Security guards were powerless to stop Coe, as he had stolen a lighter, and had set fire to a chair, which he threw at the guards.

He then went on to pour aftershave on several people and setting fire to them.

His drive went on unimpeded for 34 minutes.

"I was in WHSmith's," said one shocked customer, "and threw a makeshift fireball into the store. As most of WHS's stock is paper-based... well. The guy had that firery look... he wasn't human."

He was last seen exiting the Bullring on a motorised cart, where he has not remained seen.

West Midlands Police have issued a search warrant, and are calling for any survivors of the Retail Terror to come forward.

As of press time... hey it's him... ARGhgnhj n

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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