Written by Auntie Matter
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Saturday, 2 April 2011

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Mustaffa Urdough, Head of Scientology.

Northern Ireland's Presbyterian minister Ian Paisley has opened talks with Colonel Gaddafi in an attempt to broker a peace in the Middle East.

No stranger to incipient civil war situations Dr. Paisley said: "I can see a way forward out of this religious impasse. There is a way for true-blood Presbyterians and Muslims to get together and form a joint religion.

"We share much with our brown brothers, a hatred of the infidel, a devout love of suffering and abstinence, a respect for chastity and the overwhelming need to let women know their place. Once we iron out the minor differences the way will be clear to getting the Pope out of Rome and then there will be some peace in the world. Me and Muammar see eye to eye on this."

What may seem as a far fetched idea to many has been greeted with enthusiasm by Scientology leader Mustaffa Urdough as a feasible enterprise;

"If," said he speaking from his throne in a large concrete box situated next to the Stock Exchange in Washington, "you can almagamate Scientology into this new religion and include certain leaders in the Green Party I am sure we could iron out our ideological differences. Muslims then and other minority groups would not feel left out.

"It is this sense of alienation from the rest of the world's mainstream religions that makes these oil well owners and their slaves feel so alienated and therefore defensive, which of course leads to aggression.

"The puritanical slant advocated by Dr. Paisley does offer a challenge but, if the price is right, we can forge a way forward."

When asked what the central belief of such a world religion might be, Mr. Urdough replied;

"Basically, anybody who is not us is fucked. Not a paid up club member? Get thee behind me Satan! Non-club members are our enemy forever. Such infidels are destined for hell and damnation for millions and millions of years amen,... hopefully in this life."

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