Written by Matt Brown
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Topics: crazy

Friday, 1 April 2011

After believing for more decades than he'd care to remember that he did not actually exist, Colonel Sanders (aka the invisible piss fish) has inevitably died. He met his end in a fit of uncontrollable rage with the sheer disgust he felt at the 'we buy any car' adverts currently airing 365 days a year all over the planet, especially in Canada.

Born in 1958 to the concept of irony and a knob of butter, in the oval office, this man thing has achieved many great things in its life, however most if not all of these things went unnoticed for many a minute.

In 1977 he somehow successfully married a mirror and together they had half a child. Twenty seconds after the mirror had given birth it declared 'that's it, I'm shattered'. The Colonel reacted to this by 'laughing his head off'. Upon his new child's arrival he became all emotional and sad and that, and on discovering these new feelings in himself he turned to his wife proclaiming to be in a reflective mood.

Many disagreed with man on mirror sexual intercourse, local residents went as far as to avoid all mirrors for 13 years. Much later he decided they were probably right and declared that 'he didn't know what he saw in her'. The mirror was immediately 'done over' with a wrench.

Upon his death he gave this strange quote 'My Mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get'. The Colonel was soon informed that this was a quote from the 1994 Tom Hanks film 'Forrest Gump' and was completely irrelevant. He was told he should give up the business of quoting as he wasn't very good at it, which was handy because now he was dead.

His funeral service was adequately attended by quite literally 6 people.

These people were Uncle Albert Frankeneinstein, the charming Earl of soap on sea , the pot-holing dog Betty Grable, the often photographed man with the red eyes and Mr. Cheese.

At the service Mr. Cheese grated the vicar with a hearty hand shake before proceeding with a scything kick of the shins. The vicar quickly reassured old melty face that he had only delivered a glancing blow! They both laughed off the incident.

He is sometimes survived by his brother, Piggy. If you're wondering why his brother wasn't at the funeral then you are right to wonder as there is no real explanation.

His epitaph shall read 'Shall I risk putting the washing out'?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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