Written by Moby
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Topics: France, Germany

Friday, 23 September 2005

image for France Invades Germany!
France's Slaughter in Southern Germany

It was indeed an historic moment outside of Versailles last week as France prepared a military force-the first one ever fully assembled during peacetime-for a violent march on southern Germany. "Ve are tired of ze mockery!" shouted General Pierre LeMarque as he led his troops, nearly ten-thousand strong, in an illustrious parade through the streets of Paris. Choruses of the adopted slogan, "Ve shall crush Zem!" were heard for miles as Lemarque marched the men boldly out of the city. He then surprised citizens by returning twenty minutes later in what many mistook as a proud reprise; LeMarque had in fact only turned his soldiers around when they realized they were going in the wrong direction.

Marching under the bright French banner, it took LeMarque and his men only two days to reach the German border, though Germans themselves have reportedly made the same trek in just under a half hour. Germany boldly responded to the imminent threat by placing an extra border guard on patrol, a move which LeMarque strategically countered by ordering his troops into a single-file line. He proceeded to march the men through the checkpoint and suffered only minimal casualties: three privates forgot their passports, and were turned away. With the soliders' breach an extraordinary success, they immediately implemented more vicious tactics and stormed the nearest bank to exchange currencies; this kept the Germans at bay for nearly five hours, after which LeMarque ordered a retreat back to the border. Klaus Fischer, the senior German official on the scene, was asked to account for his mens' inadequacy: "It's very simple. Sie vanted Deutsch marks, aber vir haben only Euros. French haben Euros also, und so ve vere confused."

Basking in his glorious triumph, LeMarque returned to the battlefront intending to use yet another dastardly tactic. Arriving early the next day, the wise general ordered his men to swarm the German tourist shops and buy all of the merchandise, adding that, "Vithout goods, zey are nothing!"

The French pillage was brutal, and they indeed left few, if any survivors. Leaving the destruction defiantly behind him, LeMarque marched his exhausted but proud army back to the ecstatic streets of Paris, where grand celebrations and relieved families waited excitedly. "Ve have taught zem ze lesson zey needed to learn, I feel," LeMarque told Parisian newspapers. "Zey vont be making fun of us any longer!" The German economy, meanwhile, has peaked at 510%.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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