Written by The Medium Cheese
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Friday, 25 March 2011

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Armageddon? Not Just Yet, says God

Doomsday, currently set for 21 May 2011, is going to be postponed because heaven and hell are not big enough for the world's population, a report states.

The World Society of People who Know Stuff That Others Do Not (WSOPWKSTODT) reports that while it is well known that Heaven is only able to accommodate a measly 144,000 souls, Hell was made with places for just 77,777, and has been full for millennia!

When God made Adam and Eve, he expected the world to end while the population was still in the tens of thousands, with Noah's flood. But God didn't bargain on Noah taking his wife Nelly onto the Arc, and repopulating the Earth.

Consequently, both Heaven and Hell have been crammed to bursting for thousands of years, with a huge backlog of souls waiting in places like limbo and purgatory. Speaking through an interpreter, God today admitted that these interim solutions don't actually solve the problem, which is eternal.

"I am supposed to finish it all soon," said God, "but if I was to end the world today, I would have to set up all kinds of refugee centres and camps, and frankly, there isn't enough room. 6 billion people was not part of my plan."

WSOPWKSTODT spokesman St Jeremy Pixman admitted on behalf of God that there was a cock up thousands of years ago but it isn't possible to put it right. Temporarily moving residents of Heaven into Limbo to give others a taste would be in breach of contract. Heaven took ages to make and cost a fortune, and extending it to accommodate an extra 10 billion isn't like building a conservatory, he said.

"You're just going to have to wait a little longer" says God, who apologised profusely for putting it off. According to our records, this is the 459th time it hasn't happened when expected.

In the short term this means that all 2011-2012 doomsday predictions will have to be revised until God sorts something out to cope with the numbers.

Don't run up that credit card debt just yet...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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