Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Catholic, Vatican

Friday, 23 September 2005

image for Vatican to Bar Homosexual Priests
New measures by a new Pope hope to eliminate homosexuality from the Catholic Priesthood.

(D.U.H.) In a move to be officially announced within six weeks, the Vatican will bar homosexual men from entering the Catholic priesthood. This is part of the new Pope's movement to purify the Catholic church from within. Benedict is following up on a sequence of events originally begun by the late John Paul II. This will be the first major decision of his papacy.

Details of the plan will allow homosexuals who are already in the priesthood to stay there. The new move only bars new gay men from becoming priests. No mention is made anywhere in the official declaration of lesbians among the nuns.

One Catholic Priest, speaking under conditions of anonymity, said "I was afraid there when I first heard about the announcement. I thought that this would destroy the church. We'd have had thousands of buildings and congregations all around the country and maybe only a dozen priests left to conduct mass, weddings, funerals, baptisms, and everything else. "

A second Priest who also asked not to be named also weighed in on the decision. "This is going to be tough. WIthout new blood entering into the brotherhood, where the homosexual priests going to find their lovers? It's going to have to be the choirboys again. That already hurt us publically once and I don'f feel that we can stand another scandal. I hope this new pope knows and understands just what he's doing."

Sister Mary Agnes of the Sacred Shroud was interviewed outside the chapel of The Blessed Sacrament Cathedral. "I hope that his brings a new breed of man to the church. We need strong, manly men who are not afraid to thrust themselves forward. Me and many of my sisters are willing to be beside them, in front of them, behind them, or wherever they want us. I will get down on my knees in front of the first normal Priest and thank God for his presence."

In order to attract new straight Priests into the church, several benefits (similar to military recruiting) are being offered. This include free sabbaticals with equally devoted nuns to such places as Hawaii and The Bahamas, monetary bonuses after taking vows, season tickets to sporting events, and big screen televisions. "Plasma is going to be really popular." said Brother Hermes of the Boston Diocese Recruiting Division. "We are also considering putting in co-ed weight rooms and spas in our churches to encourage the Priests to meet with people besides the altar boys."

In a related story, pop singer Michael Jackson dropped recently announced plans to enter a Catholic seminary and study to become a priest.

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