For at least the last two thousand years the argument has raged, among Christians and Muslims alike: Is there really a God? Or perhaps an Allah? Are we supervised by, and ultimately answerable to, a Supreme and Omnipotent Being, sole Creator and Originator of the visible and invisible Universe? A being of such Awesome Power that we poor humans must cringe in His Presence - or more often His Absence? And the answer is finally YES. Absolutely and definitely YES. And that means YES, not NO.
At precisely 19.57 hours GMT YESterday, (nice pun, eh?), March 12th 2011, a coded message was received at Mission Well-out-of-Control in Albuquerque, New Mexico - 3 years after it was originally transmitted - from astronauts aboard the International Deep Space Agency Ship "GOTCHA". The message read: 7ul'i78^Fvzw2yh~@:>:*, which could only mean one thing to the guys back home, all of whom sported ZZ Top style beards after their devoted, but interminable wait at their computer terminals: "GOD LOCATED!"
There was initially a profound, GODsmacked (nice pun, eh?) silence, which was perhaps appropriate under the circumstances, followed after some 9 or 10 seconds by wild cheering and foot stamping as the Mission team looked to one another for confirmation that this was in fact the correct way to behave at such a crucial moment in history. And yes, it was.
However, the follow-up encrypted message from the astronauts, somewhere deep in the outer reaches of the galaxy, and perilously near to an exceptionally large Black Hole, was less well received:
The text was instantly rushed by courier to FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C., where cryptologists of many different nationalities and religious persuasions battled together for seventy two sleepless hours and fourteen minutes to crack God's very own personal cipher, but in the end, to the sound of loud snoring from those too wiped out to keep awake any longer, they had it - on paper, before their very eyes:
"DON'T WORRY GUYS - IT'S ALL A VIDEO GAME THAT I'VE BEEN PLAYING - BY MYSELF - FOR A VERY LONG TIME. SORRY IF YOUR'E A BIT UPSET AND DISAPPOINTED, BUT THERE YOU GO. THAT'S THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH FROM ME - GOD/ALLAH/YAHWEH etc. SO GLAD YOU EVENTUALLY FOUND ME - BET YOU CAN'T GUESS THE ENDING!"
Mulder and Scully were apparently "puzzled" by the news but "highly delighted" to be able to finally close this particular X-File.
From our science correspondent Quark Boson