London -- Arguing that religious wars should be fought by the faithful, not British soldiers, PM Tony Blair today called on the Vatican and Protestant "hit man" Pat Robertson to send troops to Belfast to either "Put an end to this violence or annihilate the other side, whichever comes first." "British soldiers, have no place in what is first and foremost a secular conflict, noted Blair."
"If the people of Northern Ireland still can't get along despite minor differences in church affiliations, after all these years of piece frankly, I no longer care if they shoot each other, blow each other up, whatever. " said Blair. "They're all supposedly Christians, you know, love your neighbor, that kinda stuff." Why they insist on tormenting and provoking each other until some innocent bystander gets killed, and then the revenge killings start, is beyond me."
"Killings in the 'Name of God'" went up 323% last year, according to Aetheists International, a group which tracts secular vs. sectarian violence. Whether it's Allah vs. Yahweh, or in the case of Northern Ireland, Jesus vs. the Virgin Mary, using religious differences as an excuse to behave like hooligans, and injure and kill each other, well, let's say, said a spokesman for A.I., that is there WAS such a thing as God, it's unlikely he would approve.
The Vatican has few ordinary foot soldiers, outside of some blue-helmeted guys who normally protect the pope. They do have, however, the Franciscans, a bunch of renegade priests who have been known to perform papal dirty work over the last 12 centuries. Considered the SEALS or RANGERS of papal forces, they're the group most likely to get airlifted to Belfast.
Robertson, on the Protestant side, has suggested assassination of key Catholic leaders in Belfast, rather than urban warfare. "We have the means. And it would be a lot less expensive. When you cut off the head, the snake dies" he said in an apparent reference to the serpent in the Garden of Eden. Equipped with American military firepower, the Protestants should be able to route the Catholics in fairly quick order he said, "outside of a miracle."