Written by Andrew Hall
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Topics: Pope, Vatican

Saturday, 26 February 2011

image for Pope Says to World: I'm Outta Here!
I find your lack of faith disconcerting.

Vatican City - During evening prayers, Pope Benedict XVI announced to a stunned crowd that the Vatican is moving. The Vatican, center of the planet's 500 million Catholics, is planning to transfer all of its offices and staff. An eruption of questions as to the new location immediately followed the announcement. A triumphant Pope Benedict directed the crowds' attention to the night sky and the full moon.

"We have suffered too long at the hands of our enemies. False accusations of child abuse, child rape, cover-ups, and financial improprieties, have weakened our faith. No more will we be persecuted!" Pope Benedict raised his arms up to the sky.

"We have long planned for this! Working in the Darkness and learning its ways. Now we are strong! The one true Church will no longer be limited to this Earth, but take its rightful place in the heavens. Look!"

From behind the full moon it slowly appeared: another, albeit smaller moon. It was a strange celestial body because the valleys and mountains seemed strangely linear.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! I introduce you all to our fully functioning space station: God's Death Moon! In honor of this event my title will change from Pope to the Emperor of Faith! May my empire in the stars last a thousand years!"

Natalie Portman happened to be in the crowd. She is quoted on saying, "This is whacked. Should've seen it coming, though."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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