Libyan ruler Col Muammar Gaddafi has been battling to control the country's west as protesters consolidate eastern towns and foreigners continue to flee, however much less has been reported about the leader's battle to control his face.
Ever since his appearance on state-controlled TV on the 21st and 22nd of February much speculation has been abound in the diplomatic circles about what exactly is going on with the despot's strangely immobile features. Documents leaked to The Spoof have revealed that Gaddafi's face is being held together with melted cheese, most likely Edam.
Papers reveal that a top Libyan surgeon was flown out of the country on the evening of the 23rd February and, upon landing in Heathrow and claiming asylum, revealed to MI5 the secrets of the dictator's stationary features. "It's cheese," he is reported to say. "Nothing but cheese! God help us all!" The informant, Libya's only surgeon, is also reported to have done extensive secretive work in the guarded country on such celebrities as David Guest where he claims to have used little more than a spatula, Play-Doh and a blow-torch.
Gaddafi's lack of facial mobility has led to many in his country to question his ability to govern in the face of such vehement protests. One protester told us "Look at the man... We cannot take him seriously because he cannot even look seriously with his cheese face." Our reporter on the scene, who we cannot name, forgave the demonstrator's incorrect use of an adverb and impartially observed while the activist was shot in the toes by Gaddafi's death squads.
Grammar aside, the self-appointed Colonel's features are causing some considerable mayhem in Holland. The largest supplier of Edam Cheese to the EU had their share price slashed by ninety percent in response to the news that the autocrat's face is composed of their product. The Spoof spoke at length with the supplier's company director but after careful consideration it was decided that our knowledge of Dutch was not sufficient to ask for the way to the train station, let alone conduct an interview about Gaddafi's face. Even so, it was evident from the man's groaning that he felt considerable angst about his cheese suffering on the international markets.
Allegedly the surgeon claiming to have styled Gaddafi's face with melted cheese is being kept in a top London hotel after making a deal with British officials to fix Prince William's bald-spot with untangled Shredded Wheat before his wedding to Kate Middleton in exchange for diplomatic immunity.