New Orleans - Flanked by a glowing contingent of evangelical supporters, including the Rev. Pat Robertson and Left-Behind Rapture guru Tim Lehaye, President Bush on Thursday unveiled a bold new initiative to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. "I don't believe in throwing money at problems," the President said. "that is now clear. All the money and resources in the world can't explain something like this." The President's comments drew cheers and occasional shouts of "Halleluja" from the mainly supportive crowd. Against a bright blue autumn sky, many supporters could be seen waving placards that read "What was Good for Sodom is good for New Orleans," and "Jesus Saves--When He Wants To."
Asked about his plan the President said that while details were not all in place, the White House Science Advisor assured him "that time and not more sandbags and soldiers" was the cure for the disaster. "Since the beginning of my presidential I have tried to stray outside of the box, '" Mr. Bush announced. "When I was told about this I immediately got onto the phone to Dr. Spurgeon for a word of prayer and to reminisce about our--you know--outings you might say --during Mardi Gras when I served honorably in the Alabama Guard."
The President said he regretted very much that God had chosen to punish African Americans and owners of manufactured homes in impoverished areas more than those in affluent white neighborhoods with money for gas. "There's a saying down in Texas, or maybe it's in one of the old hymns we used to sing up in Kennebunkport--I don't remember, but it has to do with not fooling some of the people all of the time or something. Anyway, the Lord has shown us he doesn't fool around."
The Rev. Tim Lehaye, taking the bullhorn from Mr Bush, rallied the crowd with a shout of "Are you ready for the Big One." Commenting on raw sewage and gesturing toward several corpses draped in garbage bags not far from the dais, Mr Lehaye shouted, "Well they weren't."
The Revd. Pat Robertson, cheered enthusiastically by the President's supporters as he moved to the center of the platform, smiled broadly and said, "I know some of you thought I was a little crackers when I made that comment about Hugo Chavez. Well let me tell you, this just shows how puny my efforts are and how marvelous are the ways of God when he deals with evil."
Resuming center stage, Mr Bush was asked by a reporter what name he was giving to his faith-based clean up initiative. 'I'm glad you asked that. As I said, I have discussed this with the best minds in the White House. We are calling it Project Evaporation. There's an old saying in Texas or somewhere, the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away."