New York, New York -- The famous ship Titanic arrived unexpectedly this morning in New York. The New York Port Authority was decidedly speechless as the ship dropped anchor at the mooring docks.
It was unclear as of press time why the account of the ship's "sinking" appear fabricated as well as the numerous witnesses' testimony to the "sinking" appear to be incorrect or outright lies. Katie Couric was on scene trying to obtain answers to these apparent discrepencies.
Shipbuilder Thomas Andrews was one of the first to step off the ship and appeared in good spirits for a man who has been on a ship for 93 years. Katie Couric, who is everywhere, was visibly perturbed as Andrews fell dead of old age immediately upon leaving the vessel before she could drill him with a gazillion questions. He was 132.
Passenger after passenger fell dead from old age immediately upon the ship's docking at mooring dock 37. According to the ship's log the Titanic and her crew had been actually been playing a very long and drawn out game of "Hide and Seek". Preliminary reports indicate that the Titanic hid herself just off the coast of Greenland during the first and second world wars. The ship's log, dated June 14, 1943 states that "No one will look for us here!! Greenland is nothing but a big slab of ice anyway!! Let's see if them rascally germans get beat up again!!"
Captain Smith was briefly seen exiting the ship where he was mobbed by Barbara Walters and her colleagues from "The View". He immediately turned to dust as they clawed him for answers. As passenger after passenger exited the ship, Barbara and her henchwomen quickly turned their attention to them but to no avail. They fell dead right there. Barbara was heard to say "These people are getting dust all over my new shoes!! You'd think they would be at least a little considerate in where they fell dead..."
According to reports the Titanic met with an awful fate in April of 1912 and sank in the icy waters of the North Atlantic. The arrival of the Titanic in New York this morning has shot holes in what is considered a legendary maritime event. Today's arrival of the sunken vessel has created quite a stir.
There are plans for opening a Starbucks on the Titanic and industry insiders say that it will probably just be turned into a really big mall.