A missing South Australian abolone diver has been found alive and well this morning. The sudden disappearance of the man on Thursday sparked a massive search and rescue operation lasting an agonising five minutes.
A morning beach walker found the man crawling out of the ocean on all fours with a dead five metre shark floating nearby.
"The stench was fucking apocalyptic." the man said. "The guy was covered in shit and blood streaks. When he made it to land and it had washed off, I checked him for injuries but I couldn't see any on him. Then I checked out the shark nearby and sure enough it had a massive gaping hole where its ass had been."
The diver credits his survival to an old boy scout trick he learnt as a child - If you find yourself in deep shit, swim towards an asshole.