Written by Reddon
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Topics: Australia, Rod Hull, Emu

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

image for Queensland on cassowary alert
Imagine this, but blue, with a big talon on each foot.

Australia - Authorities in Queensland have issued a warning to local residents - and more importantly - tourists, to stay the heck away from cassowaries.

The cassowary is a flightless bird with a blue head, standing six feet tall, weighing in at 150lb, a bundle of sheer aggression, backed up with a razor sharp nail on its middle toe which could quite easily disembowel a person.

The cassowaries have lately taken to encroaching on populated areas in search of food, their natural habitat having been devastated by floods and the recent cyclone. It transpires that the trouble with this is that cassowaries absolutely hate human beings and will attack without any provocation at all.

"They're bastards mate," Angelo Dundee, a forest ranger announced to his mates. "Whatever you do, don't attempt to feed the blodgers - they kick out at you with those talons and you're in deep shit buddy. You may as well get bloody stabbed by a mugger. You'd stand a better chance of survival. Even the late great Steve Irwin wouldn't piss about with a bloody cassowary."

Cassowaries are known to be responsible for one recorded human fatality, and a number of vicious attacks which culminated in serious injury. One man who survived a cassowary attack likened it to being attacked by the late Rod Hull's emu, armed with a dagger on either foot.

The late Rod Hull was unavailable for comment, but a family friend did say that the TV aerial has now been secured and the reception is very good.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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