Written by Morse
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Monday, 14 February 2011

image for Hail Mary! LA Diocese Axes Heterosexual Priest l Hour After They Find He's Not "Gay!"
Straight Priest Drummed Out of Church in LA...No Surprise!

California Catholics, members of the Rainbow Coalition, cheered the announcement that the Los Angeles Diocese wasted no time in canning a Heterosexual Priest who admitted he had an affair 40 years ago...with a WOMAN!

Said practicing homosexual "Gay Guy", a spokesman for the group and a former altar boy, "it's about time the Church got tough on practicing heterosexuals!"

The Priest, 74, who can not be named as he has plans in the future to rejoin Society as a Straight Man, said he was 'relieved."

"I've been living in the closet for over 40 years amongst Brothers not like me. It's been a strain that has tested my faith....but's it's all over now...I'm glad I'm OUT!"

Church officials said there was no consideration to giving the Priest a second chance by moving him around to different dioceses until 'he came to his senses."

Said Father Bruce, in charge of Church Assignments & Clandestine Habits, "everyone knows you can't rehabilitate a heterosexual...we don't even try...it'll only end in tears!"

Unlike other SEXUAL scandals involving the Church in recent years costing them BILLIONS of dollars in legal fees and settlements to abused young boys, the Church said it had reached an out of court settlement with the Priest, as well as his former partner, now 80.

"Luckily," said father Bruce, "there was no off spring as a result of the Ungodly union, so child support was not an issue. The woman in question is now a grandmother with 10 grandchildren and a practicing Methodist and as such has no standing with the Church, nor is she entitled to anything more than a $1,000 one time payment. We'll pray for her Soul, of course, we're not heathens you know!"

As for the Priest, he was able to take with him his 401K plan, totaling $250,000, mostly invested in Pharmaceutical stocks and stem cell research companies. The Church also benevolently said they would continue his health care coverage for 90 days until he could secure a policy under the new Government Health Care plan where pre-existing conditions, such as Heterosexuality must be covered.

The LA Diocese offered an extra ration of wine at confession at the midnight mass and 3 choruses of Hallelujah to celebrate the event.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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