Washington -- In a stunning act of leadership President George W. Bush today announced the withdrawl of ALL troops from Iraq to assist in Hurricane Katrina rescue and recovery efforts. "It's simple," said Bush, for once not fumbling for words, "Our own people have to come first. The Iraqi people, it's plain to see, need to solve their own problems." Reportedly "under fire" from major campaign contributors including Halliburton and Bechtel for the troop withdrawal, Bush stated, "I'm tired of being a puppet on a string. From now on I'm going to be President of this Great Nation.
Critics from Molly Ivins to Jon Stewart, Michael Moore and Bill Moyers, reportedly stood at attention and even saluted when Bush's motorcade, hauling boats, food, and supplies, turned left onto Pennsylvania Avenue headed for New Orleans. "Tell the people of New Orleans that every helicopter in America is coming to rescue them, and not just the government ones. Bush called on fishermen from Alabama to Texas to "load 'em [their boats] up and head for The Big Easy" to help out, in addition to "nationalizing" all helicopter services.
"We've got the strategic oil reserves, and plenty of gas for every boat, airplane, and helicopter to pick these people up by midnight tomorrow. We've got corporations like Coca-Cola who I'm sure will contribute enough Dasani and bottled water for Orleaners not just to drink, but to take a bath in. This is strong, powerful country, and the rescue of New Orleans will be our finest hour."
Broadcast over NPR, ABC, CBS, CNN, and virtually every radio network in the nation, Bush's announcement of unity and aid was universally applauded by Democrats and Republicans alike.
New Orleans police, backed up by the 101st Airborne flown in overnight from Baghdad on massive C5A aircraft will "put an end to looting, pronto" according to Bush. "If it isn't food or water they're hauling, they're dead meat We're tired of pussyfooting around. Anyone with a gun who hasn't got a badge is going to get shot and left to die. And our National Guard is going to do it's job too, of helping out our citizens.
"Americans, I am asking for your support, said President Bush. "This will NOT be the day the music died in New Orleans. I want to see a tractor-trailer of donated food and water from every town in America headed to help these people. Our government can't do it alone, we need help from you, the CITIZENS of this great country. And if you incur an expense, say for gasoline to GET food or water to New Orleans, we will have FEMA re-iimburse all valid claims."
Admitting that reduced and neglected maintenance of the levee's and dams surrounding New Orleans was a "collosal mistake," Bush stated, "But we will build them back better and stronger than they were, and we will rebuild the houses, the buildings, and make the "New New Orleans" a showpiece to the world. I give you my word."
As this nation realized it actually had a leader on it's hands, peace between Democrats and Republicans seemed to have been found at last.