EARTH - As people across the globe attempt to spend time with their loved ones, most are turning to the roots of St. Valentine.
Valentine, which is derived from Valentinus, and means worthy man, so if you think you have a hell of a guy, he's a literal Valentine.
Many people are going to go to America, Saudi or other countries where the death penalty exists, to watch the stoning of a person.
"Oh yes," said Ben Ali, "We gettings many of the calls from the people wanting to spend the Valentine's watching us throw the stones at the dissenters. Is good! You pay US$200 to watch, we give you meal and prayer, and there, you the sacred lovers. Good, huh?"
Certain other people are going to watch a beheading or, more commonly, an electrocution on the day.
"We have 200 of them criminals," said Frank Puller, "And we's a gonna give the chair! A whole visual feast for y'all love couples!"
Card sales are down, as are traditional gifts, such as flowers and chocolates, as the old-style traditions are being favoured. Even for the day, the European Union has allowed all member states to reintroduce hanging, beheading and stoning in time for the celebration.
As of press time... I would go but...