CAIRO, Egypt-In a characteristically self-sacrificing move, longtime Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak (five time winner of the coveted award for "World's Silliest Name"; and that is a very competitive category, especially in Arab nations, which often have half their population vying for the coveted, prestigious title) detonated a 70 megaton warhead buried beneath the streets of Cairo today, effectively ending his 30 year rule.
Presidential aides were shaken, blown apart and/or instantly vaporized in the epicenter of the explosion whose temperature reached an astounding 1,000,000 degrees Fahrenheit which melted many of the over 200,000 street-protesters calling for one million others to join crowding the streets today.
A vast, towering flash of light and heat engulfed the majority of Egypt, flash-frying most of it's population, and completely pulverizing most of the country's ancient landmarks and monuments, including the destruction of many of the ancient, once still-standing pyramids.
This loss is being mourned by archaeologists and Egyptologists the world over.
When Murbarak detonated the warhead he killed not only himself and his family, and all of the citizens of Cairo, but basically all of Egypt, thus finally quelling the unrest and rebellious tide that had gripped most of urban (and rural) Egypt and the world for more than a week.
The uprising and it's supporters quashed and evaporated, and the country's precious oil supply left for once unguarded, all 1,000 gallons of Egypt's crude oil were thankfully recovered, if a bit radioactive-but otherwise utterly unscathed.
This new and much-needed addition to the world's supply of oil, along with the subtraction of a substantial percentage of it's population (Egypt's) will greatly help to ease the overhead burden of the many producing/producer nations, which will, in turn, help the situation and lighten the financial burden in the consumer nations, most notably and only the U.S.
In New York today, an outdoor candlelight vigil is planned to be held in Times Square, organized mostly by the students and faculty of Columbia University, done to commemorate and mourn the destruction of Egypt's unending treasure-trove of antiquities.
Oxford University in Cambridge, England is planning to hold a similar vigil of it's own.
Thus, as it always does, the world is fitly mourning this tragedy and this inconceivable loss to the archaeological and Egyptological world.
(Fried mummy crisps will be served at the vigil.)