Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Iraq, Civil War

Tuesday, 30 August 2005

Gettysburg -- Civil War buffs, always striving to make their re-enactments of famous battles "as authentic as possible" are reportedly headed in droves to Iraq to participate in the "Biggest Civil War" since "the War between the States. " It may even turn into a "three-way," said one historian. Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds unable to agree even on a draft Constitution, have reportedly broken out the AK's, RPGs, and car bombs in an effort to sway the writers of the draft Constitution's. "Apparently some groups don't understand the meaning of the word DRAFT, said one lawyer working on the document, meaning "We can AMEND it later." So now we're having draft riots as well."

Torn between Federalism, similar to what the South wanted, with States Rights predominating over a central government, and Republicanism, with right-wing fundamentalists in Baghdad telling everybody what to do, how to pray, and what to think, the conflict promises to be bloody. Because the Shiite dominated South has the oil fields and income, it's likely to "Rise Again" in the words of one re-enactor. The Kurds remain a wildcard in the conflict, apparently looking more for self-determination than to dominate the other two groups.

Denying that the "liberation of Iraq" had led the country into full-scale civil war, President Bush today commented, "The fact that some Sunnis paraded around Tikrit carrying posters of Saddam Hussein is all part of the democratic process. Why, there are protestors outside my ranch carrying posters of me! Whether you like it or not, free speech means you don't have to pay for it, that's what it means. It's like public radio. You may not care for what Bill Moyers has to say but you still don't have to pay for it, ahh, [turning aside] Scott, did we ever get that CPB funding cut out of the budget? I'm sure as hell not paying to listen to that anymore!"

Re-enactors have reportedly used an Internet lottery to "drawn lots" to play the parts of Saddam Hussein, Chemical Ali, Mullah Omar, and Uday Hussein. Because of the extensive news coverage, re-enactors should have no problem selecting clothing and weaponry to match the originals, including Saddam's famous shotgun. A dispute HAS broken out, however, over whether the Shiites, or Sunnis will get the Gray or the Blue uniforms. In Muslim tradition, blue is the color of cowards.

National Park spokeperson Sheila Andresson said "We're devastated. Gettysburg and other national monuments depend on thousands of tourists thronging each weekend to the park to see these re-enactments. The smell of gunpowder, grown men playing war and pretending to get killed, it's all very entertaining. Andresson admitted the re-enactments "do suggest Americans have too much spare time on their hands."

The lure of real cannonballs whizzing past, cavalry charges, and mini-balls was "Just too much" for consumate re-enactor Steven Ambrose. "I could be sitting in my car, stuck in traffic, on the way to a job I hate. Or I can go take part in a real civil war. I don't care which side picks me, the Kurds, or the Sunnis, just as long as there aren't the usual arguments over who gets to be an officer and who has to be a mule skinner."

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