Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Iran, Death

Monday, 29 August 2005

image for Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro Plot A Response To Pat Roberts
Two Headed Monster

Iran, Cuba and Venezuela---Annoyed and perhaps a bit jealous that Evangelist Pat Roberts has been making death threats, Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has issued a fatwa against the life of the politically active televangelical former Presidential Candidate and has asked Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro and Venezuelan Demagogue Hugo Chavez "to punch his lights out, bring him down and put an end to his reign of Holy Rolling terrorism," as it were.


"This guy is a danger to society. He's horning in on my act. He's making a mockery of everything I consider holy. Who does he think he is? What does he think he's doing? Doesn't he know assassination is a crime and bad public relations."


Fidelito and Hugo agree "He's bad news. Something should be done. If we do something, we won't have to tolerate his demagoguery any more."


Grand Ayatollah, "We can do something."


Fidel and Hugo, "What can we do?"


Grand Ayatollah, "We can take out a contract on America."


Fidel, "I was once a lawyer. I read contracts and then tore them apart line by line, clause by clause, subrogation followed by interrogation. Then ... ."


Hugo, "I like contracts. I like the way you read contracts."

Fidel, "So how are we going to take out this contract?"


Grand Ayatollah, "How did they do it in the good old days?"


Fidel, "They liquidated people."


Hugo, "We can liquidate Roberts."


Grand Ayatollah, "And nobody will ever know."


Fidel, "Because we didn't lay a hand on him."


Hugo, "We just liquidated him."


Hugo, "But eventually they'll figure out he's missing."


Castro, "People disappear. People in Cuba disappear all the time and nobody sees nothing."


Grand Ayatollah, "So how are we going to do it?"


Fidel, "We can blow him up and blame it on terrorists."


Hugo, "Brilliant. Why didn't I think of that!"


Grand Ayatollah, "But what if they investigate?"

Fidel, "We'll claim self defense."


Grand Ayatollah, "I have a better idea. We'll sprinkle rumors that he joined an extremist sect and then was abducted by aliens."


Fidel, "Space aliens from Bush's Axis of Evil."


Hugo, "From Waco, Texas."


Grand Ayatollah, "We'll set off explosions in the Gulf of Mexico and in the Haight-Asbury district to mislead the investigators."


Hugo, Fidel, "Agreed."


Grand Ayatollah, "We'll plant his body in a poppy field in Afghanistan and make sure that it's found with incriminating burn marks on his fingers."


Hugo, Fidel together, "We'll burn him in effigy."


Grand Ayatollah, "In a chic Baghdad suburb."


Hugo, Fidel "At Midnight on Halloween Eve."


Grand Ayatollah, "Done."


Fidel and Hugo all together, "The Axis of Evil will make Pat Roberts toast."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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