Washington -- Crude oil today topped $100 per barrel in heavy trading. At a 9 a.m. EST news conference, President Bush announced the United States would be invading Saudi Arabia in "Operation Refinery Freedom." According to the President, "Some Americans have forgotten that 15 of the 19 hijackers on 9-11 were Saudi nationals. It's time Saudi Arabia paid the piper, that is, the guy who builds a pipeline, someone has to pay his bill"
According to White House Spokesman Scott McClellan, "Americans simply don't enjoy paying $75 or more to fill up their vehicles. They want the government to do something. So we're doing something. We were going to repeal the law of supply and demand, but Greenspan swore up and down that would never work. Conservation takes too long. Drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge didn't even make a dent in oil supplies. So now we're doing the only thing that makes sense -- we're going where the oil is, and cutting out the middlemen."
Americans are addicted to gasoline, and riding solo in personal automobiles. "Just one more fillup", and THEN I'll walk, ride my bike, or take a bus" is how most people think. If a fill-up costs too much they'll put it on a credit card. If they can't pay the credit card, fine, re-fi the house. They're like heroin addicts. Whatever the price, they'll pay it, and they want more tomorrow.
Combined, Iraq and Saudi Arabia have more than 60% of the world's known reserves of oil. "A little coup in Venzuela, perhaps some political unrest in Nigeria, and the United States can get back to watching "The Simpsons" instead of worrying about gas prices, said McClellan. We Republicans are committed to doing what it takes to get re-elected, and right now, that looks like getting oil prices out of the stratosphere.
David Letterman pointed out the genius of Bush's strategy on The Tonight Show. "First, we use bases in Saudi Arabia to attack Afghanistan, and Iraq. Then once we established bases in those countries, we used them to attack Saudi Arabia. Poor fellows, they probably never saw it coming. It was like asking Saddam to give up his weapons of mass destruction and then kicking the crap out of him after he did."
Denying that skyrocketing oil prices had anything to do with "Operation Refinery Freedom" President Bush today said, "The American public elected me president knowing well and good I was a Texas oil man. And by golly, as long as I'm Persident, I'm going to keep my supporters greased and lubed. I got elected by the people who have an SUV in every driveway, and by golly, I'm going to make sure there's a full tank of gas in every SUV."