After many days of un-founded rumour, and wild speculation, President Pharaoh Barcack Obama has finally revealed to the world the full truth of recent events in Egypt.
Speaking from an un-known temple somewhere near ancient capital Memphis, the World Leader agreed to allow only a handful of reporters to attend. Spoof hack Masheded was one of the lucky ones. President Obama said:
"First, I want to thank the American people, and indeed the people of the world, for their patience in this trying time. It truly is a credit to me. As you can see, some things have changed since my last address to the nation. Now before I continue, I just wanted to clear up some things that have been said since then, that simply are not true. First of all, I will not, I repeat; I will not be stepping down as commander and chief of the United States in any capacity. Secondly, and let me make this very clear, the United States will not be building a new Pentagon in the valley of the kings, or anywhere else in Egypt. Speculation of this kind only serves to cause disruption and cloud the real issues, which simply play into our enemies hands."
At this point a large entourage emerged from a small entrance in the rear wall of the temple. After walking out in a well disciplined line with heads bowed, they formed an orderly line behind the president, clasped their hands, and with their heads never rising, fell prostrate upon the ground, with the faces pressed into the hard stone, arms and legs outstretched.
It was at this point that the temple went dark, which was quickly replaced by a golden halo of light that seemed to cast Obamas head in a circle of heavenly brilliance. In the few seconds that it had took for this to pass, the President had shrouded himself in a dark robe, and his expression had changed from benevolence, and one seeking succour, to a brooding and brawling darkened sea, a look likened to little ever seen before by living men, the weight of which could petrify the most steadfast of stout hearts. As I and the other handful of reporters were transfixed by the image of the Presidents head, his voice boomed around the darkened temple, reverberating and rebounding until His voice seemed as though it came from deep within the listeners own body. He said:
"Today my people, witness the living resurrection of the son of Ra. I am he. He is within me. Behold, after millennia of exile, Horus has returned to make his people mighty once more. The rites have been sacrament, and I return to you my people from the bosom of Osiris. This will be our new capital, the Ancient capital of Horus; Memphis. From today, I will be known as Pharaoh Obamasanuckasamun. All who come to my House will pay tribute. The Book of the Living and the Book of the Dead have been recited. My inauguration is deified. I will make my wishes known to my people soon."
At this point we were systematically blindfolded, handcuffed, and led to an awaiting Black Hawk troop transport. After boarding the helicopter, I myself woke up in my hotel room, with no recollection of how I got there. And no, I didn't have a sore ass.
A source close to the military said:
"You're lucky. The first address didn't go so well, and the reporters got dumped in the bled of the open desert. It seems there was problem with the lighting."
More updates as they happen.