Egypt's President Hosni Mubarek -- voted Time Magazine's 2011 World Leader Most Likely To Be Hung Upside-Down on Meathooks From the Roof Of His Palace-- has decided to try to gain the world's sympathy for his plight by ordering government troops to beat the sh-t out of journalists.
"Loyal minions, I have heard your pleas for my removal from office," Mubarek stated during his latest address to the people. "While that ain't f--king going to happen, I have ordered that the Army begin beating and arresting journalists.
"No one seems to understand why Mubarek would think that'd help," said a spokesperson for the United Nations, who is fighting back against the revolt via a strongly-worded letter entitled 'If You Quit Being Cunty The Whole World Will Stop Being Against You.' "But, then again, we haven't figured out why the hell this revolt began in Mubarek's 31st year in power."
Nevertheless, government troops have began searching out American journalists for special treatment.
"Where is Katie Couric? We have special beating for her," said a spokesperson for Egypt's Army. "She ruined CBS News."