Written by Doug Powers
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Topics: France, French

Friday, 26 August 2005

image for France accuses German, Prussian armies of doping
Doping enabled German soldiers to throw bombs up to five miles, according to French researcher

Hot on the heels of accusations from the French that American bicycling great and seven time Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong was doping, French officials now allege that past colossal military defeats are due to the fact that their enemies were illegally ingesting battle-enhancing drugs.

Beginning with the Franco-Prussian war in the early 1870's, France's defeat was so overwhelming that many French now believe that the enemy states, led by Prussia, were on the juice.

"Oui, oui" responded Arnaud Laroche, lead researcher at "The General Petain Institute for White Flag Studies" in Chantilly, France, when asked if he thought French attackers throughout history have used battle enhancing drugs.

Laroche also pointed out the speed of German advances during WWII as proof of Nazi doping.

"Crossing zee Rhine so quickly in a natural state is, how you say, impossible, no?" Laroche pointed out adamantly. "Just like zees American, Armstrong. Seven wins in zee Tour? Zees isn't possible, especially with zee sore testicles, no?"

The release of a book on which Laroche's had been working, about a little known group of indifferent French wartime birds, known as the "Status quail," who were also the inspiration for the film "All's Nationalized on the Western Front," will delayed until he completes his study of historical doping of enemy combatants.

"One thing that is puzzling is how all of zees people were on zee drugs and still don't laugh at Jerry Lewis. Zis just isn't normal. Zee man ees hilarious, no?"

Jerry Lewis aside, Laroche also claims that all of those armies listed below were doped, and therefore demands that their victories be rescinded under a new rider the French government is lobbying to include in the Geneva Convention rules of warfare.

France's claims that their losses in the Gallic wars, the hundred year war, the Italian wars, the thirty year war, to the Huguenots, the war of Spanish succession, the Napoleonic wars, the Franco-Prussian war, WWI (not technically a loss, but they were saved by Americans, who were higher than the Germans), WWII (liberated by Americans, who were still more juiced than the Germans), and the Algerian Rebellion, are all due to illegal enemy ingestion of banned substances.

Currently, the French government is lobbying the U.N. to pass a joint resolution which would incorporate a policy of random drug testing on the battlefield.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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