President Hosni Mubarak has decided to quit after a visit from Barack Obama's envoy Frank Wisner. What was actually said to make the Egyptian president change his mind? In an exclusive interview with The Vagina Observer we learnt the following from Mr. Wisner's aide and interpreter Mustaffa Bigfee; "Frank didn't beat about the bush. He simply shouted: "Get you friggin' ass outta here Mubarak while you can still walk. You are putting the whole world at risk!"
Mubarak, for his part, is denying that his decision had anything to do with the million people who turned out in Tahrir Square yesterday to scream for his blood. Unconfirmed reports tell us that the 82 years old dictator who has been in power for three decades may have succumbed to bribes by the US.
Among them were a flat in New York, a date with Helen Mirren, a spot on the Oprah Winfrey show and a possible month-long stint on a new reality show starring ex-politicians titled "The Toughest Tyrant". John Travolta has denied reports that he offered the former air force commander a go at the controls of his jumbo jet. Dr. Phil has also denied that he offered his services as counsellor to Mubarak for power-addiction, a common ailment in that neck of the woods. "Jeez, I'm getting treatment for that myself dude!" he laughed. Charlie Sheen merely grinned when asked about the rumour that he had offered the president an invite to his next all-nude party in Beverly Hills... as soon as he gets out of hospital. "Just seeing the chicks I hang out with would probably kill him stone dead," said he. "I'm not feeling too well myself."
Political advisor to the Senate Seemore Blut said: "It is incredible to me that any people would allow a man, who would not get a license to run a taxi, to run their enire country. What's the matter with them? A man of his age has lived his life and doesn't give a blind fuck what happens to him or anyone else for that matter. In a sane world, nobody over the age of fifty should be allowed to hold political office. Old ego-inflated farts who cling to power are driving us all to the brink, in my view. I'm an American who served under Johnson and Reagan. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."