Hamilton, BERMUDA - Emergency relief supplies are headed to the island nation of Bermuda in the North Atlantic Ocean as a once-in-a-lifetime blizzard is quickly crossing the United States. The snow that is blanketing a third of the US is expected to reach Bermuda by Wednesday.
Native Bermudians were busily preparing for the storm as if it were a hurricane, stocking up on candles, flashlights, batteries and bottled water. What they are not able to purchase, however, were supplies needed to fight the bitter cold that would accompany the snow expected to fall on their already snowy-white roofs.
Hamilton Mayor Randall Cocklesbury has issued an urgent request to his diplomatic friends in the United States asking for, among other things, long pants. "All we got here in Bermuda is shorts," said Cocklesbury. "Shorts and short-sleeved shirts, many of which are imprinted with either pineapples or palm trees, period. We need some winter clothing toot suite, preferably the ones with polar bears and snowflakes printed on them," he implored.
Unfortunately, the storm is expected to reach Bermuda before the long pants, leaving Bermudians shivering for at least a day or two as more important shipments of canned soup and toboggans reach their shores.
"We saw that movie 'Cool Runnings' years ago," claims Cocklebury, "and the people of Bermuda have always wanted to emulate Jamaica in their quest to be the first ever Island nation to run the bobsled races at the Winter Olympics. We've ordered a shipment of toboggans to be delivered hopefully by Wednesday so we can see if Bermuda has the stuff that Olympic dreams are made of."
In other weather-related news, Miami will be holding its first ever Winter Carnival of Ice on Saturday featuring some of the most notable ice sculpting artists from Wisconsin, Iowa and Illinois. In addition, several key Republicans will be on hand to judge the sculptures in addition to holding impromptu talks on their long-standing belief that global warming is not a reality.