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Thursday, 25 August 2005

image for Bush Administration gives Go-Ahead to Assassination
Selected for "The Mission"

Washington -- Acknowledging the role Christian fundamentalists played in putting George W. Bush in the White House, the Bush Administration today gave the go-ahead for the assassination of Venzuelan president Hugo Chavez. Said Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "Robertson got it mostly right. It probably won't impact oil imports, and it's far cheaper than launching a war. McClellan sheepishly admitted, "We've tried to snuff him out before. So what if he [Chavez] doesn't have any weapons of mass destruction?"

According to Robertson, Chavez is a "terrific danger" to the US and intends to become "the launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism." Rather than working on his sermons, Robertson has apparently become an expert in South American economics, and politics.

Spokesman McClellan did say, however, that "This is where the White House is drawing the line, and that calls by Robertson for "Jihad against the Methodists" were not going to be heeded."

According to Rumsfeld, a "Noble Cause" for Chavez' assassination has yet to be selected. But, " he added, " It will definitely be one of the classics, like sowing democracy, stopping terrorism, or 'Completing the Mission." Gaining control of Venzuelan oil, of which 59% flows to the United States, was not listed as a potential Noble Cause.

The fact that Chavez was elected fair and square in democratic elections "In no way influences the fact that we dislike him immensely" stated McClellan. "We didn't like Hussein, and we don't like Chavez. We still don't like Castro. In fact there are lots of people we don't like."

Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist advised the administration that turning "operational control of CIA operatives over to private citizens like Robertson" might set a dangerous precedent, but said it would probably be "No worse than the agendas set by other activist judges."

In other news today, the "700 Club" is reportedly down to only 159 members," according to a former secretary to the organization. Robert Schuller, pastor of the Crystal Cathedral in Gardendale is reportedly going to lend Robertson 441 outspoken fundamentalists to help make up the difference."

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