Written by Asheville Jack
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Topics: God, Bible, Neanderthal

Thursday, 27 January 2011

image for God Admits Neanderthals Were His Real Chosen People

Today God let it accidentally slip that the Neanderthals were his first and only choice to be his Chosen People.

God created Neanderthals, he said, bigger, stronger, and more intelligent than humans. They were destined to create a peaceful civilization and to live in harmony with God. But alas they were also much too trusting, adding that human males just couldn't keep their hands off the Neanderthal women, thus ruing his plans.

"I created mankind merely as an after though, with limited intelligence. To help him survive as a species I made up for that by giving mankind a lustful sex drive. Boy, was that a mistake."

The Bible stories of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden, God related, like the rest of the original Bible stories were meant for his Chosen People, and to remind them to stay away from humans. Humans, God added, were the metaphor for the apple in the story of the Garden of Eden. "You ruined my plans, so I flooded the earth," God said sadly.

Most scientist now believe Neanderthals vanished from the Earth approximately 30,000 year ago, most probably the result of inbreeding with humans.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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