Floundering third-rate television network ABC --responsible for such news/talk sh-twads as Carol and Marilyn: Real Friends, The Dick Cavett Show, Mike and Maty, The Wayne Brady Show and Playboy After Dark Featuring Harry Reasoner-- has announced their replacement for reptilian octogenarian Regis Philbin, and it'll be yummier than an Irish Car Bomb:*
"Live With Jedward and Kelly" Premieres February 7th.
"We're fookin' stoked," said John Paul Henry Daniel Richard Grimes, who, with his twin brother, Edward Peter James John Philip Bartholomew Matthew Thomas Judas Thomas Didymus James Thaddeus Jude Simon Judas Iscariot Grimes are an Irish pop rap duo who perform under the name Jedward. "it'll be fookin' grrrreet."
"The boys will be stupendous hosts," says 'The Jedward Paradox' alchemists Ashley Tabor and Louis Walsh, whoever the f--k they are. "I think American audiences will take to them just as UK audiences have. And their Vanilla Ice ripoff 'Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)' will be the show's new theme song."
"I can't understand a single word they say," said buff mini-tranny Kelly Ripa, whom ABC deemed too talentless to take over the show herself. "But ABC keeps paying me eight-mil a year, and at least Jedward doesn't smell like denture cream and poop, like Philbin did."
*The Bailey's/Guiness/Jameson drink, not the IRA-Omagh car bomb, which, admittedly, tastes much better.