The Tory government today unveiled plans to hit every man woman and child with a compulsory blood tax in order to combat Britain's growing deficit.
Ministers agreed yesterday to the government plans, who voted an incredible 94% in favour of the move.
Although details of the new tax have not yet been officially released, my sources at Westminster were able to outline the new initiative.
"The idea of a blood tax has been around for some time, but the problem has always been how to sell it to the voter. Due to the ongoing economic crisis, the Tories know they can pretty much get away with anything as long as people believe it will help to lessen the burden left by the Labour Party. With no credible opposition, and even the Liberal Democrats backing the idea, the whole thing went very smoothly, hence the 94% in favour"
With the plans now finalised, I asked my source how the new tax will be implemented, and what will it entail.
Who must pay?
"Although the blood tax will be compulsory, different tiers will be set depending on a number of criteria. For instance, if you earn over 50k a year, the tax will amount to 2.5% of your gross annual earnings. If your body mass index is greater than the average for your physical bracket, a further 0.5% will be added, to allow for the extra blood you're carrying in your body. The amount of tax you pay will therefore be directly related to two basic criteria, keeping administrative costs to a minimum and enabling the extra funds to be fast tracked to the treasury."
Seemingly, the government seems to have ticked all the boxes very quickly to get this pushed through. But as always there will be a darker side to this policy, which reeks of old traditional Tory politics.
Lowest earners exempt
"Obviously, it wouldn't be fair to impose this tax on those on benefits or earning the national minimum wage. But that doesn't mean they won't be able to help the country in this trying time. We've managed to strike a deal with the country's local constabularies and the Met. Due to the recent Police cuts, thousands of police response vans will be sat idle at their respective stations, with not enough officers to man them, or coffers to keep them filled up at the forecourt. Therefore, we will be converting these vehicles into mobile blood banks. Anybody on benefits or claiming working family tax credit will be asked to attend their local jobcentre once a fortnight. Depending on the help they are claiming for, they are required to give anything between two and four pints per person. People with children will have the choice to either have blood taken directly from their children, or to collect it throughout the week with home blood packs that will be issued free of charge. Its hoped this will help to avoid long delays and backlogs."
As the government will no doubt inform us that it's a fair tax for all, where will the extra resources be spent?
Blood and Money
"The hard cash the government raise will ensure the government's re-election, thus ensuring a Labour Government won't have the opportunity to cause such devastation ever again. It's the safest way to protect the economy. As far as the blood is concerned, the international monetary fund and World Bank have agreed to take the blood in lieu of any shortfall in repayments. The Federal Reserve will then issue bonds to countries currently involved in conflicts, ensuring that transfusions will be available across the globe to keep the war machine turning. In real terms this will protect the UK's arms export sector, enabling foreign fighters to pick themselves up and continue fighting."
But what will happen to those whom can neither afford to pay the new tax, or contribute blood due to infections or medical conditions. It seems the government have left no stone unturned in the drive to rescue the country.
"Ministers are determined that every person will have the opportunity to help. Those who cannot contribute to the scheme will be fast tracked to labour camps. Plans have been drawn up to build several large textile factories' using the current Chinese business model. Work, food, clothing and shelter will all be provided for on-site. No one will have any need to leave the compound. This will reduce the social security bill, and also help the UK to compete in sportswear and underwear manufacture, of which the Far East currently hold the monopoly due to lower labour costs."
As sceptics slate the new Tory initiative as "something from Adolf's Germany", the government sticks to the view that they aren't going to bleed everybody dry.
True to Tory form, its mostly just the poor people