Written by Big Bunny News
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Sunday, 23 January 2011

Belgium is facing mounting social unrest as a result of its continuing political crisis. 7 months since the country last voted, political parties are still unable to form a government and are currently considering a proposal about what might be the basis to restart negotiations about how to negotiate.

Today,thousands of frustrated demonstrators marched through the capital Brussels shouting "Down with the Government that doesn't exist!" and "No to any more elections!"

As protests started to get out of hand, police, protected by raspberry waffle shields, shot french fries and mayonnaise cannisters over looters' heads and sprayed nearby protesters with Praline chocolate cannons. In a heated standoff, rioters threw Trappist Molotov beers at police lines, who stood back and tried to catch them in their teeth. Tourists ran for cover as students launched thousands of Brussels sprouts from sling shots aimed at a now overgrown Parliament.

Despite a curfew, things showed no sign of cooling down this evening as hand-to-hand fighting with baguettes continued late into the night and gangs of old people roamed the city looting tapestry and lace shops.

As it became clear that the government which doesn't exist couldn't stand down, the King has intervened to try to allay fears that the country would split in two between Flemish and French-speakers by announcing the formation of a new pre-provisional, provisional government of United Disunity.

He said that, above all else, it is our national cartoons and sports which still unite and inspire the country. Therefore, he said, he has called on Tintin to return from his ridiculous adventures to become Interim Prime Minister, with the Smurfs taking most of the cabinet positions. Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme will be appointed care-taker, ass-kicking President. For his own part, the King said that he plans to abdicate and that a dual monarchy would be established instead with Justine Henin-Hardenne and Kim Clijsters becoming joint-ruling Queens of Flanders and Wallonia respectively.

To solve the linguistic problem of Brussels, which is claimed by the Flemish as part of Flanders, but which is 80% French-speaking, the President of the EU has intervened to say that Brussels should be turned into a non-lingual silent zone, where no languages are spoken. He admits however that this is still a mute point.

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