CANBERRA -- Prime Minister John Howard today announced a ban on mating by Parliment guards. Guards were told they were to show courtesy and respect to all visitors to Parliament, and allow visitors to win any chess matches that might arise. "Mating, as in reproduction, was definitely NOT what the PM was talking about," said ABC correspondent Castle Rook.
Parlimentary Guards, greatly relieved to learn their reproductive skills were not being "put out to pasture" frequently socialize with female MP's and visitors to Parliment, and often address their husbands and boyfriends as "mate," as in "Now cool down mate, it was your Sheila's idea to hook up, not mine!" Howard himself recently referred to George Bush as "mate" in his comment, "That Sheehan Sheila really has you cornered, doesn't she, mate?"
"Mate" is described by cunning linguists as the quintessential Australian phrase, doubling in usage after Paul Hogan introduced it to Americans in the film "Crocodile Dundee." "Stone the Russell Crowes" and other Aussie euphemisms aren't nearly as well understood by international audiences, who likewise, have trouble driving on the wrong side of the road.
According to the Parliment memo, "checking" as in "checking her out" would still be allowed by the guards, just not mating, at least not on duty. Only the PM would be allowed to promote a piece, said International Chess Federation Officials. Guards caught actually mating (having sex) on duty would be punished on a sliding scale depending on who it was they were having sex with; themselves, a female MP, a sheep, or John Howard himself.
Bobby Fisher, a bloke who went rather insane following his years as a teenage chess prodigy, argued against the parlimentary guards being forced to intentionally lose chess matches. Said Fisher, "Back in 1993 IIBM offered me $5M to let "Deep Blue" defeat me. I didn't take it, and the damn machine beat me anyway. But I could mate any oversexed MP I want, any day of the week."
Gainfully unemployed Aussies made mating the hot topic on radio talk-back shows across the country, indicated Castle. "When you've really got nothing better to do, listening to talk radio, or playing chess, are good ways to pass the time. Describing those Australians who sit in pubs (known as 'hotels in Oz) sipping beer and checking, if you play long enough and well enough, sooner or later you may find yourself in a mating situation.