In today's Washington Post it was reported that Pope John Paul II has moved even closer to becoming a saint. Evidentially the beatification will be held on May 1st.
To be granted the highest honor of the Catholic church there must be indisputable proof that you have participated in not one but two miracles. A French nun's recovery from Parkinson's disease has been attributed to the direct intervention of the blessed Pope JP2.
Now it appears a second miracle has just risen to the surface. Pete Bechtold of Flushing, New York, has stated that it was a blessing from PJP2 world wind American tour in 1995 that cured him of his ED or erectile dysfunction (aka limp dick). According to Mr. Bechtold while at a gathering to see the Pope on October 6, 1995 at the Aqueduct Racetrack in the Queens, NY, he [Bechtold] was mid prayer when he heard the Pope lay down this blessing in Latin "Carpo lemma per balls quod suum pectus pectoris quod mens mos insisto!" WikiSquirts has confirmed the Latin phrase translates roughly to mean - "grab them by the balls and their hearts and minds will follow."
Bechtold, 68 year old retired Long Island Railroad Conductor, heard the word "balls" and thought PJP2 was speaking directly too him. Here is how Bechtold tells it with a huge grin on his face; "As soon as I heard that their Pope say 'balls!' I began to get a chubby. That was the first time in like 12 years my CACK decided to come out of hiding. Let's just put it this way the ole lady... well she got her BRAINS F**KED out that night." he describes this act while winking and bending over a bit and motioning his right fist back and forth like he's throwing dice.
Obviously the question is how do we know that was a miracle? How can we confirm that this is the second miracle that Pope John Paul II will need to be canonized? Enter Doctor Conrad Murray - that's right Michael Jackson's infamous personal physician. Evidentially the Vatican has a number of physicians around the world on contract. This is essential for the church to provide expert testimony in cases involving the Archdiocese; also to perform medical evaluations on people "claiming" physical abuse and other 'made up stories' perpetrated by church officials; and for sniffing around trying to find miracles like the one that happened in Mr. Bechtold's lap. So Dr. Murray has issued the following statement in support of the second miracle: "In my professional and personal opinion Mr. Bechtold's wiener is a fine piece of manhood and is functioning quite well, remind me to wear gloves and goggles next time, and in my estimation only the Pope could have given this man his junk back."
Mr. Bechtold's wife, Gerta, is not as supportive of the miracle and wishes it had never occurred. "Well like I tell Peter all the time - just because your god damned dingis has been blessed doesn't mean you're fucking Don Juan. I'm so tired of looking at that hod on (Gerta is rolling her eyes) I could PUKE!"
So it appears Pope John Paul II will receive his sainthood later this year for making one lady stop shaking and another lady wishing he would have just kept his mouth shut!