Vancouver, Canada - As the world struggles with the lack of basic human-rights in China an unusual and surreal farce is unfolding in Vancouver, BC - home of the 2010 Olympics. There, dozens of rich Chinese residents of a posh UBC high rise building are protesting the "bad luck" that a 15-bed hospice planned for next door, will bring them.
Huh? Whazzat, you ask? Well, it's all about feng shui we are told - that bizarre Chinese superstition that is being forced down the throats of ordinary Vancouverites. You see, Chinese come to Canada not to participate in the greater good of society but simply to ensure that "Evelybahdy Chinese make much munnee, become velly litch man.
To that extent, a new breed of vultures - greedy Chinese buyers - have flocked in droves to this wonderfully multicultural city - buying up, flipping and re-flipping homes in that almighty worship of Mammon. This is something they can't do in China. Not to mention the freedoms, liberties and choices that Canadian society offers them.
So, what does the average Canadian get in return? Do fresh-off-the-boat rich Chinese condo owners participate in their new community; do they make attempts to assimilate? Are they grateful for the values and freedoms granted to them by their new homeland? Do they give back to the land that welcomed them?
According to the Rich Bitch Chinese Women's Association, these great followers of an oxymoronic Chinese culture are upset that the hospice next door will bring them bad luck because:
"We cannot have dying people in our backyard. It's a cultural taboo to us and we cannot be close to so many dying people. It's like you open your door and step into a graveyard."
Her other rich-bitch chorus of supporters, flashing their knock-off Lui Vushon handbags whined:
"Units here are worth $1 million. We put our life savings into this."
"We believe that people dying outside will bring us bad luck, I'm very angry and upset. If I had known it was going to be a hospice, I wouldn't buy it for half the price."
One woman who bought an apartment for $900,000 almost a year ago, said she and her 7 year old daughter will have nightmares if the hospice goes ahead.
Her equally backward and superstitious neighbor clutching her nine-month-old son agreed.
"It's very disturbing. My kids and I are going to feel so frightened and angry just to think there are dying people so close to us."
These greedy Chinese capitalists feel "a hospice is the equivalent of a funeral home or crematorium." In a surreal letter of protest they complained: "Death is the Yin and Live is the Yang. If the Yin and Yang are near to each other, Death will bring bad luck, meaning sickness and even death . . . The ghosts of the dead will invade and harass the living."
A pushy, top-sales Chinese realtor said:
"Chinese velly pah-tikoolar abaht lucky numbah - numbah 4 not good - sound of death. Glaveyahd not make for luckee monee. Cannot sell plah-perty for dubull munnee. ".
However he said the rich Chinese residents would be quite happy if UBC council decide to build casino instead.
"That make for good feng shui. Play lucky numbah dubull Ate-Ate evely nite . Good for China dodgy munee-laundree. We velly pah-tikoolar abaht lucky numbah Ate-Ate-Ate"
"Man what a crock of shit, eh. Like you'd they they don't get sick and need compassionate care. Somebody tell them UBC stands for University of British Columbia not University of Beijing China", said Buddy Begood, Council President of the 'Homeless Guys who live in Cardboard Boxes'. Buddy has lived on west-side streets for over 20 years.
Angry anarchist Joey Canadian who said he spoke for all caring, considerate Canadians said: "Hey capitalist bitches, we'll yin your yang for ya, eh. If you don't like the humanity we show to the sick in Canada feel free to get a one-way ticket back to China. We'll even help you pack ;)"
Local non-Chinese residents said they hoped the council would have the balls to stand up and promote Canadian cultural values of caring and compassion. But they were afraid that these corrupt gutless councilors would be easily bought off by Chinese money.
Late last night the Canadian Parliament held an emergency session. Canada's top spy chief said he was vindicated when he publicly said that Chinese spies had infiltrated Canada and were influencing local politicians and interfering in Canadian Affairs.
The ballsy, hard-nosed Minister for Canadian Cultural Affairs, Johnnie "Maddog" Beard pushed through legislation to sentence these enemies of our culture to re-education labor camps in the Great White North.
"Let's give them some good old-fashioned Chinese treatment so they can really feel at home", he said to a rousing all-parties cheer.
The Ministry for Overwhelming Chinese Immigration to Canada has now produced videos titled "Don't like it - don't come" highlighting Canada's Compassionate Society & warning superstitious Chinese not to bother coming to Canada if they can't handle Canadian values.