Written by anthonyrosania
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Friday, 14 January 2011

image for Astrologists, Tattoo Parlors Cash In On Horoscope Shake-up.
ABOVE: The constellation Ophiuchus, or "Splattered Beer Vomit."

Astrologists and tattoo artists are cashing in on the first innovation to their bullsh-t pseudo-science in 3,000 years, following the recent news that the traditional Zodiac schedule was changing.

Astronomer Parke Kunkle, who spent the day masturbating while Googling himself over and over, says that due to changes in the Earth's alignment, as well as global warming, the Australian floods, and Netflix dropping its DVD-only plan, the dates of many zodiac signs have changed.

In addition, there may be a 13th Zodiac sign: Ophiuchus.

"It's f--king awesome," said the owner of Fat Kat Tattoos in Keyport, NJ. "People who were, say, Scorpios yesterday are waking up today and learning that they are now Ophiuchusses. Ophiuchusi? Whatever."

"So they're having their old zodiac tats covered up, and this new thing put on. Thanks for the money!"

Some astrologers were unhappy with the news.

"This will absolutely f--k us out of jobs," said Miss Ivannah, who does topless horoscopes at the Route 1 Flea Market in New Brunswick, NJ. "Why announce that the entire industry was built on a flawed map of the universe? It's senseless."

"Where am I gonna go now? Believe it or not, some people still frown on topless fortune telling," continued Miss Ivannah. "And unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective. It's the third nipple that does it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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