Countries around the world have been reporting an eye-tearing, gut wrenching, vomitous Stench coming from somewhere; experts, however, so far, have been unable to identify the source. Reginald Hachenbauer of the University of California at Merced, professor of Unidentifiology : "It's never really easy to pinpoint something like this. I mean I walk around feeling like my colon is going to shoot straight out of my anus and I have to ask myself: What is this? It's still unclear, the sky I mean, it's been unclear for about 6 years now. But only recently have my bowels really started to kick in."
Symptoms reported to us from those familar with the Stench include: Absolute faith in utter nonsense, total acquiescence to authority in the face of obvious lies, feeling giddy for no apparent reason, suddenly running around saying 'tehehehehehehehe!", desire to leap over a cliff with one's friends, inability to reason, finding childrens' picture books the only literature even remotely understandable, reading or saying the word 'literature' causes nausea, brain exploding when asked to solve minor math problems.
However, one expert, who, for unkown reasons chooses to remain anonymous says symptoms aren't uniform in intensity or kind. In fact those he spoke with, and he himself, feel totally different symptoms. Such as: nausea 'like a horse kicked you in the stomach', flatulence 'that will clear a city block', visions of Alfred E. Newman as Satan, overwhelming desire to understand world events--quickly, sudden aversion to 'political discourse', lack of faith in anything 'federal' and anyone 'elected', night sweats that smell like rancid limburger.
Though there have been many unverified reports as to the source of the Stench, according to Prof. Hachenbauer: "When it comes to indentifying the unidentifiable it's generally not necessary for one to look very far for clues. As for this Stench, I believe we must start with our friends the dinosaurs." WIth that cryptic remark, sadly, Prof. Hachenbauer promptly exploded just as he had predicted.
Will the Stench ever dissipate? Will anyone be able to identify and destroy the source? We cannot say.
For now, experts say, find a good gas mask, use a lot of heavily scented, long burning candles, watch for the stupid and for those with blind faith.