Secret police arrests and a campaign of terror are keeping EU spending excesses a deadly secret.
Exploding heads newspaper, the Daily Express, is gleefully exposing the European Commissions "grubby" attempts to conceal out-of-control spending.
It claims today that a series of revelations blast the EU's spending watchdog for its "culture of cover-up" and "Kremlin-like" censorship of facts.
And it quotes former official, Maarten Engwirda, who claims that any criticism levelled the organisation was "swept under the carpet."
But EIF News and Features can exclusively reveal for Spoof readers that the Express has only half the story and that sweeping criticism under the carpet doesn't come near describing some of the desperate measures adopted by the Commission.
They certainly are frighteningly reminiscent of Stalin-era Soviet Union.
Our contact inside the Commission, who has to remain anonymous until we can arrange his exit, tells us: "Swept under the carpet. Hah! That's rich.
"Rolled up in a carpet, more like, and taken to what we call the Lubyanka - a building in the centre of an EU complex at Strasburg.
"Not many people come back from that trip. And they always come for you in the dead of night... that knock on the door... one or two of my friends have heard it and their hair has literally turned white with the fear.
"This lot mean business. If you get too close to the truth - or if you even suggest something might be wrong - you might hear that knock. And they get at your family too - little things... shops can suddenly sell out of an essential you need, there's no seat on the bus, your kid isn't allowed on the school trip...
"It's a terrifying life. You've got to get me out."