Written by shea lo
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Monday, 10 January 2011

image for Bollywood to release "Birmingham Binwalla" in response to Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire
birmingham binwalla

Binmen on strike. Union guerilla tactics to slow-down rubbish pick-ups. A nasty build-up of public garbage and waste on side streets. Refuse collectors refusing to collect refuse. Locals forced to don wellies to wade through the kak-ridden mire. The noxious miasma of foul excretions. And to top it all the Minister for Rubbish Pick-up and Sewer Inspection forced to add dog-poop scooping to his duties.

Sounds like a scene from the streets of Mumbai, you say. Well me laddos think again. This is Birmingham in jolly olde - the most populous city outside Londonistan where an on-going dispute between city council and refuse collectors has caught the attention of Bollywood.

"What a too-good opportunity this is to make merry", said top Bollywood producer Choppy Chopra.

In 2 weeks he has put together a 3-hour song-and-dance fest titled "Birmingham Binwalla".

It is the story of a rascally young stowaway aptly named Kachra ["garbage"] because his mother threw him onto a garbage heap at birth. This Mumbai slumdog who hides in the wheel-well of a departing plane, intending to go to Londonistan finds himself instead in stinky Birmingham.

"Great Ganapati", he thinks as he views the sea of filth, "please don't tell me I took a round trip back to Mumbai"

Undeterred, he resorts to using the unique entrepreneurial skills resident in every Indian's DNA, taking advantage of this job in-action by offering to buy the entire rubbish crapload wholesale which he then sells to Chinese city developers as Shanghai landfill.

In no time Kachra becomes a zillionaire opening 700 recycling and waste depots across Britain and for a hefty donation is offered a seat in the House of Lords by a desperate-to-form-government Labor Party Leader Mili-blandji.

Said lead actor and hero Bippy Khan: "This is a great timepass movie I tell you. Totally mind-blowing. Filming mey problem tho koi nahi hai..no problem filming because we didn't even have to spend ek minute in Birmingham...all scenes were done here in Bimbbiwadi Mumbai"

Doe-eyed Tamisha Butterchargie, the damsel in distress and Bippy's real-life "would be" (fiance) was equally vociferous: "It was like so totally sudden yaar. Ek minute bag pack karo for London then hallo Indiya. I am playing a total spoilt rich brat Miss India who is looking for a rich man. It was a very emotive role for which I lost 50 pounds. No khaana-peena, just starving and doing yoga to get my size jeero figure"

Birmingham Binwalla opens in all theaters next Friday. With music composed by Aayayay Rehman and sung by Dido this movie is already being buzzed about as a top Oscar contender.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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