Written by shea lo
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Topics: Somalia, Extremist, fatwa

Sunday, 9 January 2011

image for Somali Islamists ban men from shaking hands with women after sex

That's it - another official edict issued by Islamist fatwa-ists. There is no fun in fundamentalism.

Militants in war-torn southern Somalia have issued another ridiculous so-called religious edict. This one bans men from shaking hands with women after sex.

Earlier edicts had banned men and women from speaking or walking together in public. People who broke the rules were imprisoned, whipped and even executed.

The insurgents already have banned women from working in public for fear that their emaciated, starving, sunken faces and bodies might sexually excite men.

This has left many desperate and impoverished mothers with a terrible choice: risk execution by selling a few dried out vegetables in the local market or stay safely at home and watch the children slowly starve to death.

"It's an awful rule. I feel like I'm under arrest. I've started to ignore the greetings of the women I know to avoid punishment," said one Somali man.

A female Somali rights worker said: "It's double jeopardy for us at the hands of these ruthless barbarians. We're tired of having to take the rap for this overt & uncontrollable male sexuality. For goodness sake we're already covered from head to toe - how can that be sexually threatening? Is there no moderate Muslim group out there to come to our aid. Is this what you wish for your mothers, wives, sisters and daughters"

Another Somali group "Machete Mamas" has launched a retaliatory movement by issuing its own counter-fatwa, suggesting that perhaps the best way to handle the constant sexual temptation that Somali insurgents experience is to blind, castrate and perform full frontal lobotomies on all of them.

"That should take care of their perennial horny problem", an official said.

Yet another young Somali who has been on the lookout for a wife for many years complained that he would be doomed to 'forever' remain single.

"We cannot walk, we cannot talk, we cannot even look at women. Now we cannot even shake hands. How can you say thank you to a woman who has pleasured you sexually? This is crrazzeee. I think I will have to start wearing a burqa just to be able to hang out with women", said a very frustrated Imnotgettinganysex Abdul

Meanwhile gunmen in convoys are combing the streets to seek out transgressors.

After 20 years of civil war, the government is simply too weak, corrupt and divided to challenge the insurgents. The Somali government is protected by 8,000 heavily armed African Union peacekeepers but has failed to deliver any security or services to its people.

The insurgents are also believed to be in control of parts of the capital, brazenly carrying out amputations, whippings and stonings in public places.

Osama's in hiding, Ayman al-Zawahiri's in hiding behind his 9th child-wife's burka. Where are the great moderate Muslim moralizers who are so quick to denounce the West while benefiting from Western hospitality? Those doctors, lawyers, politicians, scientists and wealthy businessmen whose female family members enjoy Western freedoms. Are they also in hiding? Come out, come out wherever you are.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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