Written by shea lo
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Tuesday, 4 January 2011

image for Twins for Obamas; Wayne Rooney joins NFL; marriage for Tiger-Lady Gaga and divorce for Sarah Palin top 2011 psychic predictions
UFOs will rule planet Earth and all humans will go to Hell in a hand-basket

She's well-known for making her New Year's psych[ot]ic predictions. After which she hibernates for 6 weeks then is woken up by her followers. If they see her shadow another prediction is revealed with winter continuing for another 6 weeks.

Now well-known psychic Crystal Bollz has made the following predictions for 2011:

- Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga will marry in 2011 after a quickie at the Augusta greens course

- Sarah Palin will get lost in the Alaskan wilderness; have an affair with a bull moose leading to a horrible divorce from First dude Todd who will go on to marry Sarah-clone Christine O'Donnell

- Aliens will abduct Obama, Biden and House Speaker Boehner paving the way for an illegal alien to become President on 11-11-2011

- David Beckham will switch gears and win the Tour de France while Victoria will break both legs and fracture her bony pelvis in a fall from her 52-inch high heels

- Scandal-ridden Wayne Rooney will flee jolly olde and sign up with the NFL. Sadly he will be booed back to jolly olde.

- Ancient mummies uncovered in China will turn out to be the dessicated bodies of Osama bin Laden and his henchmen

- UFOs will rule planet Earth and all humans will go to Hell in a hand-basket

Crystal told reporters: "I'm the undisputed queen of predictions and much of what I predicted in 2010 predictably came true"

In other similar psych[ot]ic predictions a Canadian soothsayer has also predicted a Nobel Peace Prize for Hillary Clinton & the break-up of Warren Beatty and Annette Benning [who? you might well ask]

She claims to have predicted the collapse of Tiger Woods's marriage and the mine disaster in Chile in 2010.

Crystal Bollz is however noted for having wrongly predicted the End of the World in the Y2K disaster that never happened. She blamed that mis-prediction on a faulty calculator where she used new math.

"I'm an American and am not good at math. For that matter I don't know geography, history, science, biology or any of that other stuff. I just read crop circles; tea bags and other signs that God sends to me which I channel through my spirit guide Princess Hoochiekoochie of the Whattahottatwatta tribe.

Crystal has now revised the End of the World date to May 2012 based on signals emanating from her crystal earrings.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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