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Monday, 3 January 2011

image for US-UK retailers lobby governments to rename Boxing Day as 'Gift Returning' day

After the calm, the storm. After the lovin' the fightin'. After the euphoria, the letdown. And so it is with the whole business of dreaded Christmas gifting followed by the equally awful and time-consuming Christmas Gift-returning.

So it's no wonder that retailers in the US and UK have joined together to lobby their governments to rename the antiquated Boxing Day as 'Gift Returning' Day.

Coster Markup, head of the UK retailers lobby issued the following statement:

"The original intent behind Boxing Day was to show the benevolence of the upper classes who gave piddly piffly gifts of oranges and leftover half-eaten food to the lower classes, mainly their already underpaid household help to ensure things ran smoothly for another year. Back in the olden days Christmas gift-exchanging was a very class-oriented act because on December 25th only people of similar class would exchange gifts. Gifts to the lower classes were given a day later - that's why it was called Boxing Day".

US Senator Lotta Moneybill (currently under investigation by the IRS for money-laundering and accepting bribes) agreed to vote for it saying:

"I can't remember when we got rid of the British King and that commie-socialist class thing. As an elite member of the US legislature I can't stand the crap most people give me. I've got ridiculous sweaters, stinky perfume, bread-makers, fugly bedroom slippers and awful pantsuits. My drugged out daughter doesn't have a goldarned idea how tall or how fat I am. Every year I have to have 3 of my interns stand in line for hours at Bergdorf's and Nieman Marcus returning this crap".

She said she wholeheartedly supported this bill, even though she hadn't "actually read it" as it would take care of "that rotten business of re-gifting" & she was promised 3 weeks at a fancy rehab resort in return for her vote.

Even Benny Ratfinker the Pontificus jumped on board as he blessed his flock:

"Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch, Amen....Zey don't gif me ze right color of Manolo Blahniks....it should be red not oxtail or burgundy. I haf to send zat poor starving priest from India to stand in line at ze stores to return zese ridiculous choos."

"Brilliant", said Toby Headbasher, of the British Anarchist Association, "it's a way of perpetuating the perennial class struggle, innit? Yeah...We're planning a riot next week"

Polling done in both nations shows an overwhelming support for the name change.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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