Scottish singer Susan Boyle shocked the world as she announced in a press conference today that she is the mother of the baby born to famous gay couple Sir Elton John and David Furnish.
"When Sir Elton approached me, I thought, well, there's one more way I can bring a bit of joy to the world," said Boyle, who has a long history of volunteerism and charitable work. "So why not?"
For several years, now, Sir Elton has made it clear that he wants to raise a child of his very own. He and his partner, Furnish, had looked into adopting an HIV-positive child, but government representatives from the child's home country made clear that they would sooner leave a child in the middle of a forest to be devoured by wolves than allow that child to be raised by Scary Gay People.
And so the couple, whose committed same-sex partnership has outlasted many heterosexual pairings on the celebrity circuit, decided to try in vitro fertilization with a surrogate mother.
"We wanted a woman of compatible temperament," explained Sir Elton, who was in attendance at the press conference. "Even though she won't be living with us, personally, a part of her will always be part of our family through our son. I think we found the perfect match in Susan."
"I always thought I might like to have a baby, someday," Boyle reflected, "and now I have--and I don't have to be the one to wake up at 3 a.m. to feed it and change its soggy bottom," she added, laughing.
"The best part of it," Boyle emphasized, "is that I didn't have to compromise my virginity. That's very important, you know: There are fans of mine who care more about my virginity than they do about my singing."
"Yes, but did her hymen remain intact throughout the birthing process?" demanded a spokeperson for a dominant Susan Boyle fan club.
It is not known at this time which of the husbands contributed his genetic material to the creation of the miracle baby.