In his weekly radio address, Saturday, President Barracks Obama thanked the men and woman of the United States Armed Forces, or the Legion of Darkness, as he calls them, for their many sacrifices during his presidency:
"I want you all to know that I appreciate each and every sacrifice you have made in my name. The many goats, chickens and lambs you have killed ritualistically, in accordance with satanic scripture, did not die in vain."
"I remember specifically your brave actions at The ancient Stone Henge Monument in England. The sacrifices there coincided with the winter solstice ceremonies at the ancient monument, in December of last year. The ceremonies were particularly significant because they included both the full moon and a lunar eclipse."
"I especially appreciate your many attempts to sacrifice a virgin on my behalf. Unfortunately federal law prohibits the sacrificing of virgins. But you have my word, that as long as I am president, I will continue to work to change antiquated and unreasonable laws such as this."
The president concluded his remarks by calling on all Americans to make sacrifices on his behalf during these troubling times. "By your actions my satanic majesty can manifest itself through my many works and the forces of darkness can dominate the Earth."