Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Crime, QVC

Saturday, 25 December 2010

image for Retailers Offer Controversial 'Bitch-Wallet' to Thwart Purse Snatchers

New Jersey retailers have begun selling the "Bitch-Wallet", designed to replace purses and pocketbooks, in order to thwart criminals, in light of the recent wave of purse-snatchers in the area.

"The Bitch-Wallet does everything a purse does," said Bitch-Wallet inventor Hesiod Sokrates. "without having to hear women go, 'waaah, someone stole my purse. Now I have no Chap-Stik.'"

Hesiod says he was motivated by the recent drive-by purse snatches in North Jersey. On at least ten occasions in December, the driver of a blue Hyundai SUV pulled up behind women in parking lots, drove next to them and grabbed their purse through the SUV's window.

In many of the instances, women were hurtled to the ground, suffering injuries.

"At first, I just watched the videos (of the robberies) over and over because they were so f--king funny," said Hesiod. "But then I realized I could help.

The Bitch-Wallet, carried in the right rear of a woman slacks, uses the Space Bag technology to reduce everything a woman needs in a vessel 80-95% smaller than a purse.

According to the QVC salesperson: "Open the Bitch-Wallet, stick in your license, a tampon, travel-size tissues, hand sanitizer, a condom, cell phone, iPod, knockoff Louis Vuitton checkbook, Nerds, 31 pens, sunglasses, and two half-finished bottles of Poland Spring, vacuum out the air, and POOF. It fits right in your pants pocket, where normal people carry their sh-t."

Many Bitch-Wallet users are lauding Hesiod as a women's rights hero, a title he refuses to accept.

"I hate women," he said. "I'm just glad I can exploit them for profit."

Merry Christmas, everyone!!!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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