BAGHDAD, IRAQ-Saddam Hussein, the recently deposed dictator of Iraq, hirsute hegamon, that vicious violator of human rights everyone loves to hate is about to become even more famous-or infamous, depending on how you look at it. Jurors in his ‘high crimes against humanity and multifarious misdemeanors thrown in for good measure' trial has ended. He has been convicted on all counts. But that was the easy part. Now comes the sentencing phase, initially expected to take years to decide, but which has been brought to a surprising conclusion.
The reason for the originally anticipated lengthy deliberation is because no two people on the panel could agree on the type of punishment the incarcerated infidel should receive. The only thing they could agree on was that it had to be commensurate with the crimes the wacky Iraqi inflicted on his own countrymen for decades.
To further compound the matter, it was the intent of the jury all along to incorporate the sentiments of the formerly oppressed Iraqi people into their reasoning. The jury's final decision fully took into account the opinions expressed by the various sectors in Iraqi society. Let there be no doubt: Saddam will be executed…and HOW!!
Though specific details of the sentence are being finalized, engineers and designers are already at work fabricating the ‘death delivery device.' What makes the construction so tedious is the method to end the madness. Saddam's punishment, it has been decided, will involve: stoning, starvation, hanging, having his fingernails and toenails ripped out, firing squad, electric chair, gas chamber, lethal injection, beheading, poisoning, being buried alive and being bitten by a combination of venomous snakes. The exact order of the various methods has yet to be determined, but one thing's for sure: once he has the ‘plethora of punishment' under his belt, Saddam will once and for all time get what he deserved. Or else he'll die trying.
Other punishments that were considered but later discarded included subjecting Saddam to a non-stop Green Acres rerun marathon, a pork chop eating contest, terminal tickling, and having his entire body tattooed over and over from head to toe with "I Love George W" using red, white and blue ink.
Old Saddam (shown here) took the news with a smile and a gleam in his eye. He seemed overly pleased that he had left such a lasting impression on his people and looked forward to giving them a really good show. Media attention to what is undoubtedly an unprecedented event is quite frantic, and movie promoters are already gearing up for big screen interpretations of the world-shaking execution extravaganza. Top choices to portray Saddam include the demonic Democrat John Dean and the megalomaniac Michael Moore. Ebert rates both ‘two fingers up.'
ABC seems to have gotten the best deal, though. "Sayonara, Saddam" is the theme for the halftime show at the 2006 Super Bowl XL, with live coverage from Detroit, headlined by Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson doing a strip-tease "Salute to the Burqa." Wonder if anyone will even bother watching the commercials.