NEW YORK, NY - Amid reports of al Qaeda helping to raise oil prices, there has been much speculation about what the exact relationship is between Bush and the shadowy network of terrorists.
President Bush is closely connected with the oil industry, and will directly benefit by raises in the price of oil. The President held a press conference at his ranch in Crawford, and was asked about this confluence of interests.
"So? Maybe Osama is doing some great PR work for me. What are you gonna do about it?" replied a smirking President. "Besides, that would be criminal of me to leak information about covert operatives," Bush said.
Afterwords, the President ordered his Secret Service agents to remove the reporter for asking questions that weren't part of the script.
"This press conference is supposed to be like a movie production on a Hollywood set," the President cried.
Even more bizarre is that while the President all but admitted collusion with Osama, one senior administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that, "If Americans want the price of oil to come down, they will have to relinquish all of their liberties and freedoms to the government."
The official explained that since "al Qaeda" is driving up oil prices, then the President can only lower the prices by "fighting" the WOT (i.e., War On Terror). In order for the President to accomplish this, he would also need another $2,000,000,000,000 for Halliburton, said the President's aide.
"The big problem with stopping this upward pressure on oil prices by al Qaeda is that we don't exactly have the available funds. What we are probably going to need to do is just arrange to have Greenspan print the $2,000,000,000,000 for us, and then you will see oil prices drop," explained the aide.
When I asked the President's aide about the idea that printing more money will actually cause prices to rise even further, he said, "We never, um, really planned for that."
"It isn't a big deal, though, because we can keep blaming rising oil prices on Osama," said the anonymous official.
So, as baffling as this may sound, the President's plan to stop rising oil prices is to inflate the money supply.