Tweeting from his plush Peruvian jail cell, accused killer Joran van der Sloot, incarcerated over the beating death of a local young girl, laments the fact that he won't be able to celebrate the holidays with his myriad fans from his social networking sites.
Van der Sloot, an international infamous reality nightmare, was linked to the Natalee Holloway Aruba mystery involving her disappearance, a crime he allegedly confessed to at least 3 times, and then recanted. He then extorted money from the coed's parents in exchange for telling them where they could find the body and reneged on that deal after using the money to travel to Peru where he was subsequently arrested on the current charges.
Recent NEWS STORIES have documented that Van der Sloot has received over $50k from Dutch newspapers, along with cash and offers of marriage from a myriad of love struck young 'innocents' through out the world.
The money has enabled Van der Sloot to live high off the hog, affording him private quarters, protection from other violent inmates, specially prepared foods, and his choice of illicit drugs, as detailed in recent accredited news.
Rumors are now circulating that after recent British Scandals, reported in news articles, of female prison guards and human rights advisors engaging in sexual relations with inmates, and even video taping the events, Joran will soon have his own Sexual Surrogate.
One such woman, named and shamed in British Papers, said she had filed her emigration papers and was ready to move on to Peru. "They have a much more cosmopolitan attitude toward felonious sexual relations with inmates then these stuffy Brits, " she said.
"What's a girl to do? I've got a chance to travel, make a few extra quid and be an internet star all at one stroke....beats sorting through 10 blokes over here to find one straight one, innit? Besides, Joran is a cute little bloke, in a sinister way...I kinda fancy him!"
Convicted murderess Amanda ' Foxy Knoxy', fresh from her appeals appearance in Italy over charges she murdered her room mate in a kinky internet version of the game 'Dungeons, Daggers and Death', said she was sorry Joran couldn't make it over for Silvio Berlusconi's pool party to which she had been granted an overnight pass.
"Maybe he can make it for Easter," said a wistful Knox, "I think Silvio's taking us all to the Rivera for sunrise services!"
Writer's Note: Due to recently enacted Policies, the above account , based in part on REAL NEWS published, is deemed to be at least 60% true, and 40% Fiction, thereby just barely making it under the new guidelines to conform to journalistic standards of getting
'both sides of the story" and not making shit up....on a Spoof Site. Thank you for your understanding.