DAILY Mail readers were utterly furious last night after discovering that Kate Middleton had bought a pint of milk from the corner shop and hadn't been photographed doing so. The slip only came to light after another customer, a Mail reader, wrote in to complain. The paps on duty outside Kate's house were literally caught napping, with the surprise trip coming at 7am as she apparently only noticed she'd run out of milk as she was making her morning tea.
"I was bloody furious" said Maureen, 58, struggling to fill a hole in her life with cats and books about Princess Diana since her husband ran off with the secretary. "If it wasn't for the snow I'd be camping outside Westminster Abbey already, securing a good spot where I can see the happy couple for 2 seconds in September of next year. I need to know every possible detail about Kate's life, and I'm basically incomplete if a day passes where I haven't judged her in some way, using ineffable and fleeting criteria dictated to me by the Mail. She needs to earn my trust and respect slowly over the next 40 years or so. Maybe then she can pop to the shops unsupervised, but not now"
Royal correspondent/unemployed upper-class busybody Tarquin Farquart-Blake agrees. "As a nation we're not quite bubbling over with patriotic fervour yet, and there is only nine months to go until the big day. It's absolutely essential for the country that every second of the poor girl's life is recorded and scrutinised up until then, or the proles may start asking awkward questions about why exactly they should pay for a wedding they're only going to see on the television."